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2/27/13 Prompt - Scene at a Lake
Write a scene describing the lake, surrounding scenery, and any animals that may appear. Be descriptive and keep it to 250 words, if you can.
Is it too late to enter? I just discovered your challenge today?
ReplyDeleteI know that I was late for last week's challenge, but I wanted to challenge myself. So, this is what I came up with (251 words).
ReplyDeleteThe evening sun faded into the distance as Tia drove along the winding road that led to the lake right off of the county road. As the temperature dipped and the crickets began to chirp, Tia felt a sudden eeriness - nothing like the calmness that had, on other occasions, driven her to the lake. At first, Tia thought that maybe she should turn around. Just as she decided not to, she heard a faint cry for help from afar. Tia reached into her purse for her phone. Nervously, she dialed 9-1- . Just as she pressed the last button, the battery light began to blink. How could this be? Tia had always powered up her phone before meeting Jazzy at the lake. Something must be terribly wrong. Did Frank have anything to do with this? He had asked to borrow Tia’s phone to make a call after the faculty meeting. Everyone had distrust for Frank – he seemed to be always up to something. Tia quickly pushed the thought from her mind as she frantically tried again to make an emergency call. Just then, Tia arrived at the lake and noticed that Jazzy’s beige Mercedes was parked near the large oak , as usual. The driver’s door was ajar. But, Jazzy was nowhere in sight. As Tia called out to Jazzy, she once again heard someone cry out for help. This time the cry was louder. Was it Jazzy? Tia was determined to find out. What was she going to do?
Hi I appreciate you entering, however, what I wanted was the 250 words written on your blog. Then you come back here and LINK your blog in the link fields provided above, so that everyone could then go visit your blog and read your post.
DeleteBut, since you've put in in the replies, I can at least give you some kind of advice. I like the premise. You'e described the lake as it once was and now how it is. However, there is a lot of "telling" in this set of words instead of "showing" the action. You tell me the temperature dipped, but you don't show Tia shivering in the cold. Trying to input 911 on the phone but her frozen fingers ... or frigid with fear, her fingers don't move.
Then you use an adverb, "nervously", I would avoid the adverb and try "her fingers jumped from number to number on the phone, the same way her heartbeat jumped out of her chest. (That's just off the top of my head)
I counted 3 more adjectives where a good "showing" would be more appropriate and suspenseful.
Try some dialogue, Tia talking to herself as she tries to dial, cursing Frank, and hearing the voice cry out for help. All good opportunities for "Showing" suspense and fear.
Thank you so much for attempting the challenge. I truly appreciate it. If you look back through my archives, you can find a post on "Show vs Tell".. that might be helpful. I think you did an OUTSTANDING job as being the first to try and succeed at the challenge. Thank you so much. I hope you come back and again for this week's challenge prompt.